Is This Real Life?

 

I once cracked a bowling ball with my head. I am not making that up. One moment I was stopped at a red light, and the next I was being rear ended by the car behind me going roughly 35 MPH. There was approximately one tenth of a second between my realizing what had just happened, before the bowling ball that had been resting in my back seat came flying through the air and knocked me upside the head. After which I held my hand up to my mouth and spit half of one of my molars into it. Upon later inspection of the bowling ball, I noted that it had a hairline crack running down its side.

I still have the bowling ball, because I take pride in knowing how hard my head is. However, my point in telling this story is that my thought process throughout this moment went something like this…

“Holy…”

“What just happened?”

“Ouch!”

“Seriously?”

“Ewww.”

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Shit, what should I do?”

“Fuuuucccckkkk.”

“I’m so screwed.”

“This is kind of funny.”

“No one is ever going to believe this.”

“Wait, is this real life?”

Which is the exact same life cycle of thoughts that have been spinning through my head on a six-week loop, since Trump has taken office. Watching this unfold before my face has been equal parts terrifying, surreal, breathtaking and hilarious. It’s like each night, America goes to sleep thinking, “Well today MUST have been the craziest day in the history of this country. There is no way we’re going to top that”. Then by the following afternoon we’re like, “Here yesterday, hold our beer”.

Depending on what is occurring that day I’m either totally convinced I’ve woken up to find myself in “The Handmaid’s Tale”, or that I’m living through an episode of “The Walking Dead”. Sometimes I’m like, “Whoa. Whoever the dude was at Netflix that thought to combine ‘Stranger Things’ with ‘House of Cards’ is a genius. Weird that I can binge watch it on CNN, though”.

At one point, I was completely convinced that we had all been sucked into a fourth “Austin Powers” movie, where Mr. Bigglesworth turns out to be Putin and Fat Bastard is Trump.

Because, come on…

That shit is totally plausible. I’m guessing it’s entitled, “The Despotic, Week Old, Gas Station Salmon Sushi Roll, that Fucked Us All”.

I was under no impression that Trump would make a good president. But even I couldn’t foresee the level of, “Holy fucking shit, he just did WHAT?” that we would reach. Mostly because, I didn’t think it even existed.  If Charles Manson had four testicles, and was baking a pecan pie while covered in squirrel sperm and standing in the middle of an almond tree orchard, it still wouldn’t be nuttier than this administration.

Take for example, the Russia investigation. When it began I had two thoughts. The first being, he DEFINITELY had a hooker pee on that bed. The second was, they’ll probably uncover some shady business dealings, however this will most likely end with no major consequences to the main players. I knew Trump was weirdly impressed with Putin, but I attributed it to a really stupid narcissist with daddy issues, and an inherent lack of self-esteem, admiring a man who he thought was the embodiment of what his father would have considered “strong”. Definitely bat shit crazy, but not, “Staple my left tit to a table, I need to wake myself up RIGHT NOW” insane.

Then indictments started to come down on players like Manafort and Flynn. People started to plead guilty. They showed that Jared Kushner and Demon Seed Jr had met with Russians in Trump Tower. Michael Cohen’s office got raided. Cambridge Analytica was busted. 12 Russians were indicted for hacking the DNC server. A Russian intelligence agent with strong ties to the NRA and the Republican Party, was charged with conspiracy, and found to be working to influence our elections.

All of this occurred over the course of only 18 months. The same 18 months wherein Trump tweeted “Witch Hunt” in regards to the investigation over 90 times, and never once denounced Russia’s actions or established a plan to prevent it from happening again. There are only two reasons that someone repeats ANY phrase that often. One, if you’re trying to train a goldfish to fetch. Two, if you’re an illegitimate president, installed by a foreign power, who is being investigated by a special counsel and you know that you are guilty as fuck.

And just when you thought this couldn’t get any crazier, the blob of authoritarian Crisco oozed his way onto Air Force One, to go meet face to face with PUTIN. Not only that, but the two met ALONE, with the exception of translators, one for Trump and one for Putin.

FYI, you KNOW that both of the poor schmucks who translated that meeting are going to turn up poisoned to death. That is just how Putin rolls. In fact, I’m looking to hire a food taster simply because I wrote this little piece. Those dudes are living on borrowed time. Just saying.

But anyway, after the meeting concluded he did a joint press conference with the FORMER KGB AGENT WHO WANTS TO SEE THE RETURN OF THE SOVIET UNION, during which he looked like this…

While stating this…

“All I can do is ask the question – my people came to me, Dan Coats came to me and some others, they said they think it’s Russia. I have President Putin he just said it’s not Russia. I will say this, I don’t see any reason why it would be but I really want to see the server but, I have confidence in both parties.”

And this…

“I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish. I think that we’ve all been foolish. We should have had this dialogue a long time ago, a long time, frankly, before I got to office.”

All of that, even though the FBI, the CIA and the NSA have all ruled conclusively that Russia, and Russia ALONE, was responsible for the interference in our elections.  And it was at this point in time that I picked up the phone and called God to report a, “Da fuck, just happened”. Because seriously, what the fuck is going on? Did the President of the United States just commit high treason on national television? Or, is this the most elaborate episode of “Punk’d” ever, and Ashton Kutcher is about to come running out from behind the curtains of the White House Press Briefing Room and obnoxiously laugh in Trump’s face?

And I don’t mean to sound like history’s strangest infomercial, but just wait… It gets better. Because this was so blatantly whack-o that even some members of the GOP – the party with less shame than myself, and I once wiped my ass with a sock – denounced Trump’s statements after finding themselves scrambling in response to the public outcry.

Seen here is the actual photo of Mitch McConnell moments after checking Twitter…

Not a good position for a malevolent and aging turtle to find himself in.

So under clear duress from his party, Trump made what can only be described as a hostage video, wherein he read a prepared statement claiming he “misspoke” during the press conference with Putin. In regard to interference in our election, he stated that he meant to say that he saw, “No reason why it WOULDN’T be Russia”; as opposed to what he actually said, which was that he saw, “No reason why it WOULD be Russia”.

Sweet zombie, baby Jesus, tap dancing in a taxi cab, Christ… They honestly think we’re going to buy that? I’ve swallowed higher quality, better tasting bullshit at White Castle. And unlike Trump, they didn’t serve it with a side of “treason”.

On a side note, White Castle does come with a side of shame and regret.

However, my point is the Republicans could have propped up a matryoshka doll and used a recording of McConnell reading the statement, and it would have been more convincing.

And, of course, the icing on this shit cake would be a Trump tweet…

This is 100% REAL. He ACTUALLY tweeted this. I can only assume that by “higher intelligence” he means those followers of his that only married their second cousins and are able to refrain from swigging the ranch dressing straight from the bottle while at work.

MEANWHILE, ANYONE WITH AN IQ HIGHER THAN A HAMMER, LOOKS AT ALL OF THIS, AND THEIR RESPONSE IS, “HOLY SHIT, WHERE IS THE FUCKING TYLENOL????” 

So my first instinct is to say that there is NO WAY this is real life. It literally couldn’t be any clearer that Trump is in cahoots with Russia, even if he had shown up to that press conference covered in borscht and Putin sperm. Yet, it appears that this IS actually happening and I’m not simply still suffering the after effects of having a bowling ball crash into my head. We are living a Tom Clancy novel, and where the FUCK is Jack Ryan? Because we really need him right now. Plus John Krasinski is pretty cute, albeit, he’s no mid-1990’s Harrison Ford…

But I don’t even give a shit if it’s Ben Affleck that shows up. At this point, any Jack Ryan will do. We’ll take what we can get. Just as long as it’s not another bloated colostomy bag full of rhinoceros turds and broken dreams.

We already have one of those, and it is currently committing treason while residing in the White House.