Bitch Perfect

Women aren’t complicated. I know a lot of men like to say we are, but this just isn’t true. We’re basic human beings that eat, sleep, work and YES even poop. When we say, “I’m fine” it almost always actually means that we’re fine. If we’re being quiet, it doesn’t automatically imply we’re giving you the cold shoulder. Perhaps we just don’t feel like fucking talking. Our vaginas don’t turn us into 8,000 piece, 3-D jigsaw puzzles, that you’re being forced to solve while blindfolded, using only your toes. In fact, there are a myriad of reasons why calling women “complicated” is actually a sexist stereotype.

So no, women aren’t complicated. FEMINISM, however, can be. Feminism is the Baskin Robbins of social thought. 31 flavors, plus two sorbets. This is probably a good thing, however much like making up your mind at Baskin Robbins it can take a substantial amount of time to wade through it all.

Liberal. Radical. Postmodern. Black. Intersectional. Cultural. Eco. I.  Mint Chocolate Chip. Butter Pecan. Strawberry…

At this point in time, I don’t even know what the hell type I am. I guess I subscribe to, “Hand me a waffle cone and throw a little bit of each in that bitch”. Which is the name of an ACTUAL, fourth wave feminist theory. My point is, I don’t know what the fuck type of feminist rant I’m about to go off on, but I’m fairly sure it needs to be said.

To put it simply, some women just suck at life.

Take for example, this fascist Lutefisk and actress who has played EVERY evil attorney who sleeps with the protagonist’s husband, then stalks the family when he dumps her, in EVERY Lifetime Movie, EVER MADE…

Kirstjen Nielsen.

She’s the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Surely, not an easy job for a woman to obtain. Yet her vagina, does not give her a, “Get Out of Being a Bag of Mashed Up Warthog Shit Free” card. And YES, female warthogs poop too. Nor does MY uterus obligate me to support her, simply because she is also in possession of one.

We may both have twats, but she’s Twatzilla.

Feminism includes the concept that women are autonomous and capable of making their own fully informed, independent decisions. To insist that you’re not a feminist if you don’t support ALL women, including those whose moral compasses point to “True Heinous”, erases that autonomy. It presumes that women don’t have the right to form their own opinions and moral judgements, based on our own personal beliefs. We may be working with the same equipment “downstairs”, however that doesn’t mean our “upstairs” are all similar.

In fact, some of us don’t even have an occupied “upstairs”…

Take for example, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. It is 100% TRUE that the inside of her head contains nothing but styrofoam packing peanuts and the ashes of burnt books.

I mean, come on. When asked about guns in schools, she stated, UNDER OATH…

“I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.”

If she were a potato, she’d even be a stupid potato. And I’m supposed to support her simply because we both have ovaries? Like, “Oh look! Our genitals are ‘twinning’! Now we have to be BFF’S”?

My being female, does not bar me from disdaining stupidity. I do not owe every woman fealty, simply because we share the same biological sex. In fact, to do that would be an INJUSTICE to all of the billions of intelligent women on the planet. I don’t want to be lumped in with this box of rocks, merely because we share physical characteristics. And it’s safe to assume, that most women in possession of an IQ higher than a garden hose feel the same way.

We may be BORN WITH INHERENTLY EQUAL HUMANITY AND ITS ACCOMPANYING RIGHTS, but the choices we make throughout our lives either increase or decrease the value of our existence. Yes, being a woman makes it more likely that you will be placed in a situation where your choices are more difficult and less black or white. However, not every decision a woman makes is shrouded in grey, or is a situation where the ends justify the “shady” means. Some women simply choose to do good, while some women – absent of any internal or external coercion – simply choose to do awful.

And some women, choose to do this…

Although Melania was active in the whole “birther” conspiracy, I used to shy away from critiquing her. Mostly because, you know, she looks like she’s suffering from a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome. However, Trump’s “style” is limited to baggy suits and, I am 100% SURE of this, velour leisure attire. There’s NO WAY, the decision to wear this jacket while visiting imprisoned children, who had just been ripped from the arms of their parents, was ANYTHING but hers. Therefore, when it comes to showing the First Lady empathy for being stuck in a clearly unhappy situation…

I really don’t care, do you?

Whether it was a moment even more tone deaf than my karaoke version of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”, or because her “Let Them Eat Cake” jacket was at the cleaners; either way this fashion “faux NO SHE DIDN’T” falls fully on her shoulders.

Before you can “Be Best”, you first need to pass “Be Human”. It is of no consequence that we both have tits, if the consistency of your moral character is as plastic as the silicon that makes yours more perky than mine (even though you’re ten years older).

And speaking of aging… I bet most of you are unaware that Kellyanne Conway is actually Elsa from “Frozen”.

That’s what five years of meth will do to you kids. Also, I fully support ALL T.V. news channels piping in, “Let It Go” every time the words “Clinton” or “Obama” come out of her mouth.

Just like I encourage all of the White House Press Corps to pelt Sarah Huckabee Sanders with compacts of eye-shadow each time she tells a lie…

It can be the new way to publicly shame liars. Similar to how the Iraqis chucked their shoes at George W. Bush.

Their “hoo-haws” do not make their blatant dishonesty and complicity any less abhorrent. Nor does it protect them from my “hoo-haw’s” scorn. Am I supposed to congratulate them on breaking the glass ceiling for BEING LYING SACKS OF SHIT? I would have preferred that we let that particular glass ceiling remain intact.

So no… I don’t feel a “Sisterhood” with these women. I’m neither happy, nor impressed that they’ve found success. I mean, they were all born into privilege and are white. That makes it considerably easier for them to achieve success, compared to what the multitudes of racially and socioeconomically diverse women must do in order to rise to the top. The only “boot straps” they have pulled up, are Louis Vuitton’s.

White, women of privilege who choose to do and support atrocious acts are not owed my respect. They’re not owed ANYONE’S respect. Their womanhood does not bestow upon them the right to skip the chapter in the book of life on being a good person. Feminism, allows for women to choose to be liars, con artists, ignorant, morally devoid, human rights violators, complicit, every vile thing under the sun… AND it allows for them to own the consequences of being those things.

So perhaps all this makes me “cunty”…

But at least I’m not feckless.