I came to the realization that I was officially getting older about two years ago. At first I thought it was a case of “Rapid Onset Curmudgeon”, but then I started to reflect on my behavior and realized it was more of a gradual trend towards grumpiness and joint pain. I found myself having to ask younger folks what terms such as “On Fleek” meant. I would look at gas prices and say to people, “Man, when I first started driving gas was like $1.00 per gallon”. One day, and this is 100% true, I even caught myself shaking my fist at a car full of teenagers and muttering “Damn Kids” under my breath.
So while I’m not decrepit, I am old enough to reminisce about the good old days. Which got me to thinking about what the Republican Party was like during my childhood. Was it always nuttier than a chipmunk’s wet dream, and now I’m just looking at it through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia? Or have they slowly boiled the frog alive in a vat of “Lunatic”?
Everyone knows the fable that if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out. However, if you place it in the pan while the water is room temperature and gradually turn the heat up, the dumb fucking thing will just sit there until it boils to death. If we could take our current GOP kettle full of boiling trash juice back in time about 30 years and drop Republicans into it, they would hop their happy asses right back out. The level of “Bonkers” embraced by today’s Republicans can ONLY be achieved by imperceptibly and consistently upping the threshold for, “You’re Fucking Nuts”.
Growing up both of my parents were Republican, however by the time I had reached voting age I had come to the determination that my ideas were more aligned with liberals and the Democrats.
Plus, any political party that resembles a package of sexually repressed, Chiclets Gum just isn’t going to EVER appeal to me…
Yet, creepy white dudes aside, I still saw the GOP and conservatives as having value. The exchange of ideas and a balance on extremes are two important component in a functioning democracy.
While I disagreed – even vehemently at times – with their policy positions, their ideas (for the most part) were still rational and based in fact. I enjoyed engaging in substantive debate with people on the other side of the issue, and could even find common ground at times. And I saw that although I opposed most of what they wanted to do, Republicans maintained a sense of humanity because we were all living on the same planet.
But as the years went by through the George W. Bush administration, minute tumors began to appear in the mainstream GOP. It was as though one congressional Republican caught a highly insidious case of “Are You Shitting Me”, and by the time Obama took office it was an epidemic. As it turns out – much like Ambien – black presidents also bring out the innate racism in people, because by 2016 “Are You Shitting Me” had developed into a full-blown case of “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING SHITTING ME“, which had infected 99% of the Republican Party.
So welcome to Trump’s GOP. Where moderate Republicans have all been boiled to death and the rest of them are no longer on this planet. They’re on a ship in the fucking Space Force, going to fight LITERAL illegal aliens.
I’ve compiled some of my favorites here, in an attempt to illustrate just how far down the rabbit hole the “Party of Lincoln” has fallen.
Take for example Rand Paul…
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when a big toe fucks an $8.00 haircut.
It takes a catastrophic level of idiocy to call yourself a Libertarian, while maintaining that the federal government should pass a ban on abortion. I mean, really??? Because nothing says “individual freedom” like giving the government the right to force women to be pregnant.
Paul is one of Trump’s most outspoken supporters in regard to Russia, and went so far as to travel to Moscow and meet with Russian law makers, as a “continuation” of the Sociopathic Squash Goblin’s Helsinki Summit.
If you were to literally cram all of the complicit GOP members into Donald Trump, you’d have history’s most fucked up Russian Nesting Doll; of which Rand Paul would be the itty-bitty one in the center. Like, “Wow! He’s so little, that’s amazing. I didn’t think they could get another one in there.”
But they did, and despite his size he’s just as treasonous as the rest of them.
Then there is House Member and parent who is trying way too hard, Trey Gowdy…
Your kids are NEVER going to want to hang out with you, Trey. Just give up, man.
While I will give Representative Gowdy credit for apparently not being part of the profoundly creepy matryoshka doll comprised of current Republicans, he’s still just a somewhat sentient piece of flavorless used dental floss. This man needs to seek medical attention ASAP, because his hard-on for Hillary Clinton has lasted WAY longer than four hours.
Gowdy was the head of the Benghazi Committee, that led seven different probes into Hillary Clinton’s role in the attack on our embassy, cost the United States over $8 million dollars, lasted over two years and produced not one credible shred of evidence against Clinton.
For some context, the Mueller investigation has only been running for a little over one year and has already uncovered an entire fucking coven of “witches”.
I mean, what more really needs to be said about Sen. Ted Cruz. We already know all of the most important and prominent FACTS about him.
- He wears socks with his sandals.
- He uses the express lane at the grocery store when he has more than 15 items.
- He speaks in the third person.
- All of his lampshades are made out of human skin.
Devin Nunes who – and this is true – rooted for the shark in “Jaws”, had his lips suctioned so tight onto Trump’s ass that he finally gave up and just sewed them to it, “Human Centipede” style.
He’s the author of the infamous “Nunes Memo”. Basically, he tossed a dictionary and some fiction into a spin cycle, then set it to “Full Bullshit”. In the memo, he claimed that the FBI used shady sources to obtain a FISA warrant on Trump’s adviser, Carter Page. In reality, he admitted ON TAPE that his investigation had been a charade to protect the administration.
And fuck this turd too…
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, and man returning Annie to the Orphanage.
He spent years railing against deficits and preaching ad nauseam about fiscal responsibility. Then he signed Trump’s tax bill that increased the deficit by $1 Trillion dollars, and was like, “Deuces. I’m out”.
Fucktacularly, douchey. With all due respect, I wish for him to have nothing but the world’s most invasive case of the Shingles and constant surge pricing on all of his Ubers. And on a side note, you just KNOW that he was “that kid”. The one that other parents had to force their children to invite to birthday parties.
So yeah. This…
Has now become this…
Congratulations on being too stupid to jump out of the boiling kettle, Republicans.
And I’m sorry, but if you’re going to be complicit in the Great Orange Vomit Burger’s treason, corruption and lies… If you’re going to continue to come (or shall I say CUM) every time he blows the “Bigot Dog Whistle”… If you’re going to blindly support his denigration of the free press, those who oppose him, entire demographics of people…
If you are going to NEVER open your mouth and say, “Trump, you malevolent Cheddar Bay Biscuit… That was wrong”. You do NOT get to play the “Christian” card. Because I’m pretty sure Jesus never grabbed a pussy, and I know for a FACT God isn’t down with raw dogging porn stars while your wife is sitting at home pregnant.
That double, black diamond hypocrisy ends today. And we don’t care if the GOP thinks we’re too vitriolic in our rhetoric. Or that it was disdain for conservatives that led to Trump being elected.
Because it wasn’t.
This was a slow-moving infestation, wherein corruption, greed, bigotry and flat-out “stupid” insidiously creeped into the GOP. What led to Trump’s election, wasn’t that we were too mean in 2016. It was that we were too NICE for the 40 years prior to it. If we had called it what it was from the beginning, we could have quarantined that infection. But we didn’t, and now we have some cleaning up to do. So if being called stupid, racist or corrupt hurts your feelings Republicans, may I suggest NOT BEING stupid, racist or corrupt.
Because the truth fucking hurts. We’re done pandering to them. Their hypocrisy will no longer be allowed to flourish. They’re all going to get an IV full of broad spectrum antibiotics and HONESTY, until the “Fuckery” is cured.
So yeah, the “Party of Lincoln” is kaput. It got slowly boiled to death in a giant pot full of blob fish heads and mustard water. It’s now the party of Trump. Seen here in this ACTUAL photo of their reaction to “Schindler’s List”…
6 Comments Add yours
This was brilliant. You made my day, and whoever wrote this piece, you deserve a raise, a nice dinner and a promotion. I’d love to see this go viral. Well done.
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Thank you! That was me. I do all of the pieces on the site and truly appreciate your reading and sharing. You can also follow me @BishTrumpsCray on Twitter!
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*standing ovation* Beautiful! I’ve seen the GOP going through that cancerous infestation since Reagan. I’m not sure even surgery, radiation, *and* chemotherapy will save it, now.
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100% accurate, true and hilarious!
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Bwah hah ha. Never laughed so hard thinking about how fucked up it all is. Yes, they’re ridiculous. Yes, they take themselves WAY too seriously. Yes, they’ve got most of the money and most of the guns.
And yes, we libs possess the higher ground. Look what that did for Jesus Christ.
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I have been a liberal most of my life and usually vote Democrat. Still, I feel sad to see what now counts as ‘conservative’? And what counts as Republican.