I know almost every, insane statistic pertaining to how safe air travel is. For example, you can fly every day for 38,000 years before experiencing a plane crash. A meteorite falling from the sky and bashing your brains in, is LITERALLY more likely than YOU falling out of the sky while flying. You have a better chance…
Greatest Hits
I have the distinct honor of being the only person in history to be called, to her face no less, a “Cum guzzling pussy fart”. That is some creative shit, right there. Bravo, dude who said it. The moment that I was bestowed with this prodigious title, I laughed. First, how could I not?…
Release the Kraken
When I was in grade school, I was seated next to an odious, little turd. They shall remain nameless here, however this was the type of child that would make Jesus consider violence as an answer. The teacher had set the room up, where each “table” consisted of four desks pushed together to form squares…
Cult 45
If I had to sum up my undergraduate years using only two words, they would be “broke” and “drunk”. This combination led to mass consumption of alcoholic concoctions that can best be described by the sentiment, “Ugh, I think I’m going to barf. Pour me another one”. There was the time I mixed tequila and…
The ICEman Cometh
I present you with two stories. One of them happened during the 21st century, under the policies of the United States Government… “Officials told her to put her son into the back of a government vehicle. Her hands shook. The officials wouldn’t tell her where they were taking him, only that she would not be…
Kim Jong UnBelievable
I am not afraid to admit that on occasion, I have been known to rock out to Dolly Parton. In fact, I am responsible for history’s worst ever rendition of “Islands in the Stream”. This was performed in the style of “Drunken Karaoke”, at a bowling ally in Michigan. I’m a white, mid-westerner. Of course,…
What the Borscht?
In advance of the mid-term elections, the Republican Party has coined the campaign slogan, “Red Wave Rising”. I’m assuming this was in response to “Blue Tsunami”, the term used by the Democrats for the purpose of motivating people to vote for “blue” candidates this coming November. Now, I’m not a marketing person, but there seems…
Maximum MAGA Reached!
Last week, I hit maximum MAGA capacity. I liken the feeling to the time during seventh grade when I was staring at a boy I thought was cute. Everything was going okay. I was walking the perimeter of the basketball court with a group of friends, when I looked over and caught the eye of…
Jesus Ain’t Say That
Much to the despair of my mother, I did not take to organized religion like the proverbial fish to water. She even threw me into the deep end of the metaphorical pool, in order to teach me how to swim with the Catholics. Then the Presbyterians. The Methodists. Even the non-denominational Christian church down the…
Blowing Hard
Most people have heard of the disappearance of the fishing boat named, “Andrea Gail”, whose captain’s last words to the crew were believed to have been, “She’s comin’ on boys, and she’s a comin’ on strong!” Famed writer Sebastian Junger immortalized the story in his book, “The Perfect Storm”. The 1991 Halloween Nor’Easter has been…
The Blizzard 