Slay the Beast

There have been times in my life when I’ve tried to reason with inanimate objects. I once had an entire conversation with a shower curtain I was attempting to hang, regarding how it was going to cooperate with me. That is a true story, and it didn’t. When reasoning with the random nouns surrounding me has inevitably failed, there have been times that I’ve become infuriated with them.

I’ve bumped my head getting out of my car and then slammed the door extra hard because, “I’ll show you Corolla! How’d that feel?” You don’t want to open for me bottle of Aspirin? Well I’m going to chuck you across the room and then we’ll see who’s the little bitch, won’t we? Spoiler alert, I was the little bitch. Because you don’t argue with a garden hose. You don’t try and calmly explain why it should unkink itself. And when it doesn’t you can tug on it and curse at it as much as you’d like, but it’s not going to make any difference. It’s a fucking garden hose. It literally is not capable of rational thought and you’re wasting precious time and energy.

Forget about “Blue Tsunami”. “Don’t Argue With The Garden Hose” is a way catchier slogan for the Democratic Party. I humbly suggest they run with it during the upcoming election. It is the perfect trident for slaying the orange hell beast in the voting booth. First, it makes an impact. No one’s going to forget it and it draws people in out of sheer curiosity. Second, it’s a great reminder to not waste your time trying to fix stupid. And most importantly it implies Trump, as well as those who blindly support, him have the same intelligence as a garden hose. And therein, lies the key to defeating Trump on ANY platform…

RIDICULE.

He is a walking punchline, and as such he should be treated as nothing more than a joke. As a malignant narcissist, this also happens to be his Achilles Heel. He cannot handle criticism and he is unable to laugh at himself. He can never admit that he’s wrong, or that he doesn’t know something, ergo he’s unable to learn and profoundly moronic. Add all of that to the fact that he’s a fascist, bigoted sexual predator and one can only come to the conclusion that he ABSOLUTELY deserves every insult flung at him.

He is a despotic skin flap on the taint of Jabba the Hutt. He has all of the charisma of a burning orphanage. And he is a straight up threat to our democracy. When you attempt to rationally engage with him, you assign credibility to the stupid shit he says. Credibility that it DOES NOT deserve. Do not normalize his idiocy, by placing his lies and absurdity on the same level as facts and truth. Willful ignorance, bigotry and corruption deserve to be scorned, not debated.

So tear the fuck into him, Democrats. Slay the beast. It’s a really stupid beast. It’s not that hard to do.

Let me show you how it’s done…

Here we have Exhibit A. Now we could waste our time and energy explaining once again how the Mueller Investigation is indeed legal, how Mueller is in fact a Republican and that no evidence of Democratic Party collusion has been found. But WHY WOULD WE? Does anyone honestly think that those, including Trump, who are still buying this line would be swayed by FACTS? There’s a greater chance of me spontaneously sprouting a scrotum and having a unicorn kick down my door and staple it to the couch, than there is of substantive debate regarding the legality of the this investigation changing anyone’s mind.

This statement is so aggressively stupid and blatantly false that it is deserving of nothing but scorn. Something along the lines of…

“Trump you vacuous bag of hot trash juice and rotting cumquats. Your desperation passes the sniff test about as well as a ferret pissing on a pile of burning tires and seagull vomit. If you were a hairball, you’d be a stupid hairball. The jig is up, sugar tits”

Why?

BECAUSE YOU DON’T ARGUE WITH THE GARDEN HOSE.

And now on to Exhibit B. Setting aside the fact that I kind of want to start using “Tariffed” in lieu of “Fucked” – because that shit just sounds hilarious – we could point out to him that in fact “Tariffing” our allies will have negative effects not only on our economy, but also on our relationships. We could also remind him that due to his tariffs, we’ve already had to bail out American farmers. But fuck that, because the ship with all of the smart people on it has already sailed. We’re currently aboard the USS Grab ‘Em By The Pussy in the middle of a Category 6 shit storm, and we’ve got a Kakapo at the helm who’s chain smoking meth while swigging straight from the Ranch Dressing bottle.

Needless to say, the time for economic policy debate has passed. May I suggest instead…

“Trump, you somewhat sentient blob of malevolent sour cream. If we climbed to your ego and jumped to your IQ we’d essentially be committing suicide. You stared directly into the sun and can’t spell “counsel”. I wouldn’t trust you to correctly count to 20 with your shoes on, let alone run our economy.”

If that’s too wordy, “Eat a dick” or “Get fucked”, works too. Either way…

YOU DON’T ARGUE WITH THE GARDEN HOSE.

Finally, we have Exhibit C. First, I ABSOLUTELY can imagine Trump saying this, because it sounds like something he would actually think is true; as opposed to Obama who simply misspoke. Second, I can also imagine that even after being shown a map of the United States he would continue to assert that he was correct. He would then tell his followers that 17 angry democrats were redrawing all of the world’s maps in order to make him look stupid, and when asked to list the additional seven “States” he would reply with, “Grumpy. Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy and Ivanka”.

However, this tweet is fan-fucking-tastic. He literally just set the ball for us to spike it directly into his face. There is no better way to remind Trump just how inadequate he is, than to compare him to someone who is an objectively superior human being. So if he wants to pour a glass of “Top Shelf Petty”, make mine a double…

“Trump, you swirling vortex of bloviation and the intestinal grease of armadillos. You will never be as smart as Obama. As attractive as Obama. As loved as Obama. Or be able to pull off a tan suit, like Obama. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, sweet cheeks”.

Because…

YOU DON’T ARGUE WITH THE GARDEN HOSE.