Faking It


My first job after graduating with my bachelor’s degree was working at a wilderness camp for at-risk youth. This involved hardcore, outdoor living. Canoeing for miles and then setting up camp. Cutting down trees with hand saws and chopping wood. Building fires and cooking over them. Cockroaches big enough to strap saddles on and ride around, crawling in my sleeping bag. I literally lived in a tent for two years, and I’ve pooped outside more times than any human being should ever have to.

The best part about this was, that prior to my accepting the job I had NEVER camped a day in my life. The closest I had come was one weekend when I was in the Girl Scouts, and that was in a cabin with electricity and running water. We didn’t even earn a badge for it, unless you count the symbolic “Breaking and Entering” badge my mother bestowed on us after she realized she’d forgotten the key to said cabin and we LITERALLY broke in. However, when asked in my interview if I had outdoor experience and training my immediate answer was, “Yup”.

The point is, I faked it. Very poorly albeit, but I did manage to pull it off for two full years without getting any of the children or myself killed. Although during the first six months, I was ragingly paranoid and defensive that someone was going to find me out. This led me to overcompensate any time the topic of my “Crocodile Dundee” skills were under the microscope or questioned. It retrospect it had to be completely fucking obvious that I had ZERO clue what I was doing, based on my sheer reaction to criticism alone.

This is why when the despotic, half-baked sweet potato in the White House tweets out the term “Fake News” at a rate even more rapid than he “sharts” KFC, it is so fucking transparent.

And come on. We KNOW Trump “sharts”. He’s an old dude that eats nothing but junk food. If he hasn’t shit his pants while farting in the past year, I’ll eat my damned hat.

My point is, that Trump is a fake. He knows he’s fake. He’s faked everything. His education was handed to him because of his birthright, as were his business opportunities. And hell, he even failed at most of those. You have to be catastrophically stupid to lose as the HOUSE in a casino. His marriages have all been facades. He’s never really been good at anything, except faking shit. And because he knows that his fat ass is standing on top of a house of cards, he HAS to discredit anyone who dares report the truth about him.

In fact, the only three things in this world more fake than this halfway sentient circus peanut are both of Melania’s tits and Ivanka’s nose…

Screen Shot 2018-08-31 at 9.58.55 AM

Ugh. She is truly a cloven hoofed tube of Crest Ultra White Toothpaste.

This week, Trump’s tweets about the media were especially egregious. Reading them made me feel like I was back in the middle of the woods crouched behind a tree, shitting napalm and dried apricots, while trying not to be responsible for the deaths of children.

In short, they were painful, stressful and literally wouldn’t stop.

He tweeted some derivative of “Fake News” or insult towards the media roughly 12 times in less than a day. They included instructing people to discard any news story that included an anonymous source and insisting journalism was, “The enemy of the people”. That is a top shelf, double black diamond, terrifyingly authoritarian vomit burger of a statement to be made by the President of the United states.

I want to take this as a good sign. That Mueller’s noose is tightening around his neck. But as his attacks on the press worsen, my stress level increases. Democracy cannot survive in darkness, and each time this burning orphanage in man form strikes a legitimate news source, another brick in our Republic crumbles. If Trump succeeds in completely discrediting the media outlets that speak the truth about him, there will no longer be a noose around his neck named Bob Mueller. And the good Lord knows we can’t wait for Darwinism and Syphilis to get rid of the Trump family, although given enough time I’m sure they would.

Have you seen Eric Trump? Just saying…


This is why Funyons should never be allowed to raw dog piles of “Daddy Issues”. You end up with this bag of dim-witted cocaine.

No. If we want to see the removal of the Trump shit stain from the underpants of this country, it is imperative that the Fourth Estate is protected. There is no left-wing, mainstream media bias. Just because something doesn’t align with what you WANT to believe, that doesn’t make it partisan. It just makes you wrong. There are FACTS and there are mainstream news outlets that are reporting them. You don’t get to go shopping for a different “Truth”.

It’s not “Anti-Conservative” bias. It’s “You’re goddamn wrong” bias. It’s bias against bigotry. It’s NOT TOLERATING INTOLERANCE. And it’s NOT a violation of free speech. No law is being made against believing that Mexicans are all rapists, black people are dogs or the teenage victims of school shootings are crisis actors. You can believe and say those vile things all you want. But you’re NOT entitled to an audience or free from the scorn that accompanies being a Grade-A twat.

And now the right is moving the “Fake News” narrative and the “Anti-Right” myth into the world of private companies and social media. Accusing outlets such as Twitter of “shadow banning” and censoring conservative voices. They’re so fucktacularly moronic they actually believe this is happening, to the extent that they put giant, red X’s next to their names.

Like this gem…

Screen Shot 2018-08-31 at 11.36.20 AM

For the record, shadow banning is defined as the following…

“When a person is shadow banned, their posts on a platform are rendered essentially invisible to everyone but themselves.”

Therefore, the very fact that I could see this tweet means that this “Stable Genius” is clearly NOT shadow banned. Think about this for a minute. If their tweets were invisible to everyone but themselves, why the HELL would they need to mark them with the red X? We wouldn’t be able to see it anyway, jackasses.

Perhaps the reason no one is interacting with you isn’t because we CAN’T see what you posted, but because we CAN see it and it’s nuttier than a chipmunk with ten testicles, having a wet-dream about Jeffrey Dahmer eating a can of cashews while fucking Mr. Peanut in a home for the criminally insane.

And FYI, bad dancing isn’t a “lizard” thing. It’s a white people thing and Therese May is VERY white.

Here’s how NOT to be a snowflake, conservatives. Don’t be so insecure regarding your self-worth and afraid of your own inferiority, that you have to invent a persecution conspiracy, then wallow in your perceived “victimhood” to the extent that you feel the need to put a giant red X next to your name in order for everyone to see how you’re being “attacked”.

At this point, I’m 100% convinced that the “X” is actually their combined IQ expressed via Roman Numerals.

However, we haven’t hit “Peek Crazy” yet, because this week Trump accused Google of this…

“Google search results for “Trump News” shows only the viewing/reporting of Fake New Media. In other words, they have it RIGGED, for me & others, so that almost all stories & news is BAD. Fake CNN is prominent. Republican/Conservative & Fair Media is shut out. Illegal?”

Here’s a thought. Perhaps the news that is coming up about you is bad, because you’re a rapey and malevolent anthropomorphic cheddar bay biscuit suffering from a bad case of the clap.

And a fucking criminal.


Maybe, just maybe, THAT’S the reason the news is all negative? There is nothing “Fake” about the damage Trump has done to the United States, and there is nothing “Fake” about his corruption. The only reason to be threatened by the truth, is if you know you’re lying. If you know you’re wrong. If you know you’re guilty.

Or if you know you’re a drunken baboon scrotum on roller skates, crashing into White House antiquities while humping a Confederate Flag.

Which was the first result that came up when I googled “Trump News”.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Timothy Holian says:

    Brilliant. A painting of infested taints has never been so interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mr fabulous says:

    i love you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Judy T says:

    This is epic. I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

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