Night of the Living Stupid

Every story needs a good villain. Without the Joker, Batman would just be that weird dude wearing a black rubber suit. If Nurse Ratched wasn’t part of the story, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” would be a dry documentary on the inadequacies of mental healthcare in the United States. Villains tend to be the conduit for the conflict in every story, and the conflict is where the drama lives. It’s what keeps you watching. You want to know who’s going to win, and how this is going to end.

That’s why the best villains are the SMART ones. Intelligent bad guys create more of a challenge for the protagonist, and ergo more suspense. If Hannibal Lecter had looked at Clarice and said, “Sup, girl. Yeah, I slathered his big toe in some of that good honey mustard from McDonald’s and sucked on it for a while. Then I tossed back a Coors Light”… That just wouldn’t have packed the same punch.

Stupid is inherently not intriguing. No one has ever watched an episode of The Simpsons and thought, “Homer’s character development really draws me into the story. The ambiguity of his motives illuminate the moral dilemmas faced by Bart, as he tries to navigate our modern society “. Of COURSE no one has said that. Because Homer is stupid, which is funny, but not threatening or provocative.

By the way, if you have ever delved that deep into “The Simpsons” you are an absolute douche canoe. Just saying.

The point here is, if you’re going to create a cast of characters that includes multiple villains you should have like – all but one of them – be smart. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with an epic farce that reaches a level of stupidity that eventually stops being funny and becomes tedious.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you an epic farce that has stopped being funny and has become tedious…

The Trump Administration is a perpetual, unrelenting mind fuck, that is full of nothing but stupid villains. They’re not even good at being bad. If you handed these mother fuckers two rubber gloves and a flashlight, they wouldn’t be able to find their own asses. They would however, probably use the flashlight to bash some innocent baby’s brains in.

Their motto for 2020 is going to be, “One for all and all for baby punching”.

What level of “Imbecile” must be reached, before someone simply ceases to be sentient? Because that’s about where “Sugar Tits” and his minions are on the “Dumb Fuck” scale. If Denzel Washington’s character in the movie “Training Day” had been based on Trump, the infamous line would have gone more like, “King Kong has got soooo much shit on me. Just wait until you see all the shit he has on me. All the best shit.”

If you climbed to the top of Trump’s ego and jumped to his IQ, you’d essentially be committing suicide. For fuck sake, the man claimed that you needed an ID to GROCERY SHOP and misspelled “marine corps”…

It was right after he tweeted this, that he started to throw the toddlers into cages. Proving that he’s truly taking the “genius” out of “evil genius”. Plus, I’m 100% sure he believes grocery stores only sell beets, borscht and dicks, since those are the only three things he eats these days.

He claims to be a “deal maker” and a “chess player”. What he doesn’t tell you is that his concept of playing chess, is sucking on the pieces and having his opponent spank him with the board. And no one in his inner circle is even intelligent enough to tell him, “Hey dude, that’s not how you’re supposed to play that game”. Probably because Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions are the only two members who MIGHT be smart enough not to stick inanimate objects into their mouths, but they’re too busy hiding in the closet and jerking each other off.

Which I assume, is like a sexually repressed albino ferret giving a hand job to a bigoted garden gnome. Creepy and profoundly disturbing. Also, on a side note, it is A FACT that Mike Pence’s ’23 & Me’ results came back as just, “Paper Pulp”.

This administration is a level of asinine that is literally exhausting to watch play out, on what appears to be a never-ending loop. Take for another example Rudy Giuliani, pictured below at the exact moment he realized he forgot to wear pants that day…

Rudy is what happens when a box of Count Chocula cereal fucks a racist set of dentures.

Not that I’m complaining, but the man went on national television and confirmed that not only did Trump have an affair with Stormy Daniels, there was a hush payment made to her by Michael Cohen. Then he just kept going. Confirming everything the opposing counsel had stated and admitting to everything Barbecued Brutus has lied about. Even including, and this is true, the part where Stormy Daniels said that Trump’s dick looks like Alf’s nose. He’s like the gift that keeps on giving. And the funniest part about this, is that Trump is too fucking stupid to know that he should fire him.

Any day now, I’m expecting to turn on the news and hear that Giuliani has filed a motion to “Bah” on the grounds of “You rascals”. He’s like the guy on the subway who’s farting while wearing ear buds. He thinks he’s being clever and sneaky because he personally can’t hear his own farts, meanwhile he’s totally oblivious to the fact that the rest of the passengers aren’t wearing them. Hello, bro… We can hear you.

By the way, it is a PROVEN FACT that Giuliani’s farts smell like burnt rubber and incest.

And speaking of incest…

I would normally be appalled that a father and his daughter want to bang, however I’m starting to think that Trump and Ivanka deserve each other. It is a documented fact that the first time they gave Ivanka a bath she screamed, “I’m melting!” They even captured the moment on film..

The Trump gene pool clearly has no deep end. This week Donald Trump Jr. was out peddling the new movie by Dinesh D’Souza, and claiming that Nazis were liberals. Just hold up one moment, and let’s break this down…

• Nazis = Fascists
• Fascists = Right Wing
• Liberals = Left Wing
• Nazi Liberal = Oxymoron
• Don Jr. = Regular Moron

So basically, the Demon Seed doesn’t know his left from his right. I don’t have testicles, but if I spontaneously grew them and then a unicorn kicked down my door and hot glued my newly acquired scrotum to my couch, I STILL couldn’t be more shocked.

That’s actually not true. I’m not shocked at all that this malignant skin flap on the taint of humanity doesn’t know basic political science. He truly is a malevolent can of Axe Body Spray, and it is a FACT that the only two things that can get him hard are cabbage and hair gel. However, that doesn’t really matter because even his own dick doesn’t want to fuck him. Women literally staple their vaginas shut when he walks by them.

And trust me, Eric Trump is no better. He’s like the Scarecrow from “The Wizard of Oz”. Completely devoid of a brain, only instead of straw he’s stuffed with used needles and daddy issues.

Now America has had both stupid and evil presidents before…

 

How far have we fallen that I look at George W. Bush and think, “Awwww. He was so lovable”? But stupid. Very stupid.

And as I said, evil…

Very evil.

But anyway, I’m not sure if we’ve ever had an entire administration full of nothing but people who are both stupid AND evil, at the same time. Is it too much to ask that we go ONE day without having to say to ourselves, “Sweet mother of God, that is cataclysmic in its stupidity and also completely abhorrent”? The Trump Administration started out as laughable villains. Two years in and their half-witted, vile shenanigans now seem mundane.

If America had to be infected with a bad case of villainous scabies in political form, sometimes I wish we could have at least gotten the SMART scabies. I mean, don’t get me wrong I’m overall happy that they have the combined IQ of a Lego, it makes Mueller’s job much easier, but it’s just so boring sometimes. I literally don’t know if they’re more vile than they are stupid, or vice versa. All I do know is that they make the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man look like Keyser fucking Soze.

As Shakespeare once said, “Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Oh and by the way, they’re all REALLY dumb”.