Greatest Hits

 

I have the distinct honor of being the only person in history to be called, to her face no less, a “Cum guzzling pussy fart”. That is some creative shit, right there. Bravo, dude who said it. The moment that I was bestowed with this prodigious title, I laughed. First, how could I not? That is an epic insult. Second, I was a little jealous I didn’t come up with it myself. And third, it just didn’t make me mad. As I delve deeper into the world of social media, it’s becoming more apparent to me that not much does get me riled up. Call me a bitch, I’ll admit I’m a raging one. Call me a cunt, I’ll agree. But hey, at least I’m a feckful one.

Tell me, who wore it better???

She’s not just a feckless cunt, she’s also the world’s most depraved baked potato.

As one of my favorite Twitter users put it, trolling and being trolled, those are my safe spaces. So no, it doesn’t bother me when some Cult 45 member says…

 

 

I shit you not, someone actually tweeted this to me. I get the “You’re disgusting” part, I did once use a sock as toilet paper. But someone needs to let him know that sucking the blood of children DOESN’T actually reverse the effects of aging. Just ask Rudy Giuliani…

This is an ACTUAL photo of him. I’m not making that up.

But no, that doesn’t piss me off. I mean, I wish they’d be a bit more funny and creative. “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder”, is more overplayed than Despacito combined with EVERY Taylor Swift song ever written, but it just doesn’t make me mad. I reserve my anger, not for the insults directed at me, but for the blatant ignorance, hypocrisy and bigotry spewed from the ideological right.

And because breathtaking idiocy appears to be running rampant these days, I figured it was a good time to compile a “Greatest Hits” album of conservative talking points. I give you fair warning, these are so fucktacularly stupid they will make you want to chew up nails and spit out a barbed wire fence. This is the shit that pisses me off.

I present to you…

Track 1:

It’s a catchy little pop tune, guaranteed to make all the racists who are too chicken shit to admit they’re racist, dance in their seats.

“The Democrats are the party of the KKK”.

Yes, white, southern Democrats founded the Klan. I remember it like it was yesterday… IF YESTERDAY WAS 150 FUCKING YEARS AGO! Apparently, all of the history books used by the right-wing are missing the last ten chapters. Sure, conservatives… The Democrats are the party of the KKK and I’m typing this on that new fangled invention called the type writer. They seem to be missing some basic history and facts. First, these Democrats were a faction of the party known as Dixiecrats. Second, there was a little thing called the Civil Rights Movement. During that movement, democratic presidents signed the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act. In a shocking turn of events, white supremacists weren’t happy about this. In swept a little known republican by the name of RICHARD NIXON, who employed what he called the “Southern Strategy“. He was the Pied Piper of racist assholes, but instead of a pipe he used a dog whistle and all the fragile, little white people followed him into the GOP; where they have been pandered to ever since.

The Klan supported Trump. End of story. And do you really think they’re going to vote for this guy…

He appears to be missing the most crucial element needed for their support. White skin.

Track 2:

It’s a wistful ballad that will bring anyone looking to invade the privacy and uteruses of women to tears.

“I don’t want my tax dollars paying for abortion”.

Well good fucking news, nimrods… THEY DON’T. The Hyde Amendment prohibits public funding for abortion, limiting it to cases of rape, incest and the health of the mother. So you can take your trans-vaginal ultrasound wands and shove them up your puckered asses. (FYI, Mike Pence got a partial chubby just from my typing that). If you don’t agree with abortion, then fan-goddamn-tastic. Don’t have one. Unlike the pro-birth crowd, we’re not looking to hold you down against your will and shove anything up your hoo-haws.

And besides…

Shit, why go for a senator when I can get $130,000 grand if I do the President? Of course, he does look like a plate of fried Spam covered in cat hair, so… Nope, not worth it.

Track 3:

This hard rock jam will have all of the xenophobes banging their heads into the non-existent wall, that Mexico is NOT paying for.

“Separating children from their parents is the law and Obama did it too”.

Let me ask you an honest question… Is it cherry season? Because you’re picking the hell out of some right now. Plus, you’re just good, old fashioned, FUCKING LYING! First, this is “Whataboutism”. Obama’s no longer president, so what he did or didn’t do, is about as applicable to this conversation as the hermit crab I had as a pet when I was a kid. (RIP Sebastian). Second, yes Obama did detain children, HOWEVER he WAS following the law when he did so. The children Obama detained were ACTUALLY unaccompanied, and per 1996 immigration reform we therefore had a legal obligation to detain them. That’s what the law says. That we MAY detain asylum seekers and immigrants, and that we must if they are minors without parental supervision. It DOES NOT say that we HAVE to detain the adults, and NOWHERE does it state that families MUST be separated. That’s the difference between a legal obligation and a policy choice. Trump, Jeff “The Elf on the Shelf Gone Wrong” Sessions and the fascist lutefisk Secretary Nielson CHOSE to detain the adults. And they CHOSE to imprison the children separately, because that law also NEVER says that we cannot detain the families together.

Trump signed an Executive Order to stop it. Granted, this was his policy so that was unnecessary, a phone call would have done the trick, but still if this was “the law” congress would have needed to change it.

The whole situation was akin to tossing a baby into a swimming pool, then bragging about how you jumped in to save it.

And since we’re on the subject of babies, in case you didn’t know, punching them is Paul Ryan’s favorite pass time…

That is an ACTUAL photo of him slugging an infant, while campaigning with Romney.

Track 4:

Move over “Monster Mash”, there’s a new Halloween anthem in town that is sure to have all the paranoid, conspiracy theorists checking their closets for deep state operatives.

“Witch hunt”.

First of all, you bag of mashed up, orange foreskins; you are a goddamn witch. What did you expect, an Easter Egg hunt? Second, this is WAY beyond that. Call it what it really is. A COVEN HUNT. Because there seems to be a shit ton of witches surrounding you. You’re one Maleficent away from being able to put on a production of, “Disney’s Villains on Ice”. Over the course of one year, Mueller has indicted 17 people with ties to Trump. Benghazi, Whitewater, the emails… 30 years of investigating Hillary Clinton and they came up with a whopping ZERO indictments. And now conservatives are bitching about the cost, while happily shelling out four times that much to send Cumquat Twittler golfing.

Come on Trump, you hired this woman…

OF COURSE, that’s going to tip us off that we should be looking for witches. That is one cold, dead uterus.

Track 5:

This power ballad is beloved by all the men and women trying to dodge the fascism staring them in the face, by pretending not to know their left from their right.

“Nazis were leftist socialists”.

Yes, the word “socialism” was part of their name. Just like North Korea calls itself the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea. Hitler was an authoritarian and a fascist, both of which fall on the far RIGHT of the political spectrum. Had they called themselves the, “National Party of Unicorns and Tap Dancing Care Bears” they wouldn’t have been any less right-wing. And all you really have to do, is take a look at how the Nazis acted and compare it with Trump. He’s said that he wants his people to, “Sit up and listen” when he speaks. He referred to himself and his followers as the, “Super elite“.  He referred to an entire class of people as an, “Infestation“. He’s told his followers that the free press is the, “Enemy of the state” and he wants people to get their information directly from him. He holds rallies. He wants a military parade. He stirs up white fear. He promotes propaganda. He lies. His government rips children away from their parents and disappears them under the pretext of sending them for baths.

HE IS ,”NAZI: NACHO CHEESE FLAVOR”. Which by the way, is the WORST flavor to ever win Lay’s Chips, “Do Us A Flavor” competition.

Face it, he’s one funky looking mustache away from being Trumpler…

Jesus, it’s like somebody threw an ill-fitting jacket on a skin flap.

So if you’re like me, and enjoy your rage with a large helping of “dumb fuckery”, this is the album for you. “Now That’s What I Call Stupid! 45” can be found next to such fine products as the Slap Chop, on all social media platforms and anywhere you see a parking lot full of oversized Dodge Rams all rocking “truck nuts” . Or just ask Pence where he bought his Shake Weight…

Because it is 100% TRUE, that little sexually repressed, packing peanut owns one of those.